I will be interrupting our scheduled programming of getting caught up on my life for the following post:
I am terribly depressed. I am at that point in depression where I feel like I can literally say "It hurts." I had a pretty good stretch of time where I felt okay (still depressed, but pretty good for me), but the last month or so my brain just gave up and resorted to its old habits. I've definitely felt worse than I feel now, but this is the worst I felt in a long time and I forgot how awful this is. Every time I blink I see images of me killing myself, and it's distressing. I imagine my funeral. No one comes. No one even notices I'm gone.
Today my boyfriend RU came over and found some home videos of me from the 80's. He insisted we watch them, which was okay with me because I was a pretty cute baby. When he left I turned on the Puppy Bowl and watched for a little while. Both of these things, these supposedly happy things, just made me sadder. I would give anything to be 1 year old again, before my depression and all other issues started. I smiled in those videos. I didn't have a care in the world; I was enjoying life. I wish I could have stayed that way. Or, you know, had never been born. The Puppy Bowl made me sad because I would gladly trade places with any of those puppies. They too were carefree. They were playing and having fun. I don't even remember what those things are.
As I am writing this, my dog is crawling on my lap and licking the tears away from my face. Words cannot express how much I love her. She is the most amazing creature to ever walk this earth. She always makes me feel better, but she can't cure clinical depression.