I am having a really hard time with eating right now. In fact, this week has been the worst since I was discharged from the hospital in April of 2010. I have just been finding it harder to cope with weight changes recently and that in turn effects what I eat that day.
All I want is to be able to eat normally and think normally about food. To many people food is a source of pleasure-- they like the way it tastes. I don't know what it means to "like" food. There is food that I prefer to eat over others (namely pizza), but I don't like it. Ever since I was first admitted to treatment in 2006 I have been told to simply eat what's in front of me. It didn't matter if it was food I preferred or not, I just had to eat it. Like a pig eating slop from a trough. Now, I understand why treatment centers/hospitals do this-- because, depending on the type of eating disorder and the person, some people would opt to eat "safe" foods for every meal and snack. But nevertheless I have learned to just consume what is put in front of me. And where is the pleasure in that? Food feels more like punishment than nourishment.
Maybe one day I'll learn how to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Maybe one day I'll understand what "hungry" and "full" mean.
In other news, today I had two interviews back to back for hostess jobs. The first one was scheduled at 2:30pm and the second one was scheduled at 3:30pm. Normally I wouldn't schedule them so close together so that I am not rushed, but in this case I had no choice. As a consequence, all through the first interview I was thinking about the time and whether or not I'd be able to make the second interview. My anxiety increased with every minute. I managed to get out of the first interview with about 15 minutes to get to the second one, 17 blocks away. So instead of taking the bus I hailed a cab. I probably had the slowest, least aggressive cabbie ever. My anxiety continued to increase, but I managed to get to the interview on time. Both interviews went pretty well-- I know which restaurant I'd prefer to work at, and I think I'll hear back from them on Friday. I'm keeping all appendages crossed.
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8 comments:
I'm sorry you're struggling with your eating. That doesn't sound very pleasurable at all that you just had to eat what was in front of you. At the hospital I was just at, the ED patients got to choose what they wanted, but they had to choose a certain amount of carbs, proteins, vegetables and a dessert for each meal. But at least they got to choose.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you too.
xx
The first part was really poignant especially when you said that it feels punishing to eat. I'm sorry that you don't enjoy eating, but I think that one day you will.
Do you cook? When I was a child, I used to love to read recipe books and I don't cook a lot,now, (except very simply) but I enjoy baking from time to time. Its fun and my boys adore it!
You're so much more than a pig slopping at a trough. (although I love your little pink pig. Is that babe? LOVE that movie!)
I'm crossing appendages that you get the job too!
xo ~ L
That made me sad that food is not an enjoyable thing. I really hope that with time your relationship will change from punishment to nourishment and something to be enjoyed.
Well done on the interviews, fingers crossed :)
xxx
Hi NOS,
Pulling for you to get the job. :)
Blessings,
Tammy
I hear ya.. I am having a hard time too and wish the same thing...
NOS wishing you only the best! Appreciate you very much.
Thinking about you NOSSY! (((NOSSY)))
Hi NOS,
I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. :)
Blessings,
Tammy
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