I am having a really hard time with eating right now. In fact, this week has been the worst since I was discharged from the hospital in April of 2010. I have just been finding it harder to cope with weight changes recently and that in turn effects what I eat that day.
All I want is to be able to eat normally and think normally about food. To many people food is a source of pleasure-- they like the way it tastes. I don't know what it means to "like" food. There is food that I prefer to eat over others (namely pizza), but I don't like it. Ever since I was first admitted to treatment in 2006 I have been told to simply eat what's in front of me. It didn't matter if it was food I preferred or not, I just had to eat it. Like a pig eating slop from a trough. Now, I understand why treatment centers/hospitals do this-- because, depending on the type of eating disorder and the person, some people would opt to eat "safe" foods for every meal and snack. But nevertheless I have learned to just consume what is put in front of me. And where is the pleasure in that? Food feels more like punishment than nourishment.
Maybe one day I'll learn how to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Maybe one day I'll understand what "hungry" and "full" mean.
In other news, today I had two interviews back to back for hostess jobs. The first one was scheduled at 2:30pm and the second one was scheduled at 3:30pm. Normally I wouldn't schedule them so close together so that I am not rushed, but in this case I had no choice. As a consequence, all through the first interview I was thinking about the time and whether or not I'd be able to make the second interview. My anxiety increased with every minute. I managed to get out of the first interview with about 15 minutes to get to the second one, 17 blocks away. So instead of taking the bus I hailed a cab. I probably had the slowest, least aggressive cabbie ever. My anxiety continued to increase, but I managed to get to the interview on time. Both interviews went pretty well-- I know which restaurant I'd prefer to work at, and I think I'll hear back from them on Friday. I'm keeping all appendages crossed.