Remember a few weeks ago when I told you that I submitted a secret to my uni's PostSecret program? It said "I have succeeded at everything I have tried. Except suicide. Twice." Well, I looked at the website on which it was posted to see if there had been any new secrets posted, and my secret was still featured. But I noticed for the first time that it was tagged with the following labels: "please don't," and "suicide." For some reason that really struck me-- that a person who doesn't know me (the secret was anonymous) would not want me to commit suicide. Do people really care about others in that way? This kind of confirms my belief that the only way to get people to notice or care about me is to kill myself.
Today I had a therapy session with D and it did not go well. I started off the session by saying that I've actually been doing okay for the past few days and that I was in an only-slightly-depressed mood. Then he asked me about the boys I have been dating and I completely broke down into tears. I know a few days ago I said that I wanted to stop dating them, and that still stands. But I hate myself for being so afraid of physical contact that it gets in my way of living a normal life. I am going to die friendless and alone. It's hard to think of anything more depressing than that.
The thing is that even though some people would consider me to be "in recovery" I am still sick. Just because my body is in a healthier place now than it has been in the past, my mind and sometimes my behaviors are still stuck in anorexia. And it still interferes with my life. Sometimes I have the thought that if the eating disorder still runs my life I might as well let it completely run my life and become skinny again. But I guess I have the desire to do something with my life instead of spending it in a locked eating disorders unit.
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5 comments:
Honey--
I know I've said this before, but if you were to harm yourself, I would be really angry at you and it actually would make me care about you a whole lot less. I'd think... what a tragedy... what a senseless waste. And who's going to make those adorable hats and play bass clarinet now??? hmmmmmm???
And what's more... I'll have lost a dear friend, one who won't be a friend anymore because she's gone forever.
People care about you NOS. I'm not the only one.
You are not going to die friendless and alone. I promise.
hugs and love ~ L
I really relate to this post. I, too, am theoretically "in recovery" and don't get me wrong, I am definitely "healthier" mentally than in the past. But sometimes I wonder why I bother to be partly well at all, why not just stop fighting and be completely mental?? Why not stop sticking to a meal plan, start binge eating again and regain the 50kg I lost through surgery?? I wish I knew the answers... I just know I keep fighting (for now)...
You are definitely not friendless and alone NOS.
xoxo
NOS here listening....
((((NOS))))
Hi NOS,
Sending you a hug, sweetie. I just want to encourage you. You have grown so much since I first started reading your blog. I know it is hard for you to see it sometimes, but I do. :)
Blessings,
Tammy
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