I don't have a lot of time to write this morning (I have class in a few hours), but I need to purge my thoughts about what happened on Monday.
On Monday I got a grade on a paper that I had hoped would be better. It was in my Shakespeare class, and English classes are way out of my comfort zone. I tried so hard on the paper that I was frustrated that I hadn't done perfectly.
Anyway, in a moment of upset I called my mom to have her help me talk myself down from a ledge, and it turned into a horrible, horrible tear-fest. My mom kept on saying that I put myself under so much pressure to do well that it is unhealthy (which is 100% true). But then she went on to say that my depression and eating disorder were ruining my life and that I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything I want in life if I have to carry these burdens around (which may be true, I don't know). She told me to forget about school and everything else and to put recovery first. After having spent way to many tears I changed the subject.
I have tried twice to put recovery first (during my two stints in long-term inpatient treatment) but no matter what shape I'm in when I leave I immediately fall back to where I was when I admitted myself. This and the fact that I so desperately want to continue with my life/school stops me from trying again. I feel like I will live and die like this. And that saddens me.