I don't have a lot of time to write this morning (I have class in a few hours), but I need to purge my thoughts about what happened on Monday.
On Monday I got a grade on a paper that I had hoped would be better. It was in my Shakespeare class, and English classes are way out of my comfort zone. I tried so hard on the paper that I was frustrated that I hadn't done perfectly.
Anyway, in a moment of upset I called my mom to have her help me talk myself down from a ledge, and it turned into a horrible, horrible tear-fest. My mom kept on saying that I put myself under so much pressure to do well that it is unhealthy (which is 100% true). But then she went on to say that my depression and eating disorder were ruining my life and that I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything I want in life if I have to carry these burdens around (which may be true, I don't know). She told me to forget about school and everything else and to put recovery first. After having spent way to many tears I changed the subject.
I have tried twice to put recovery first (during my two stints in long-term inpatient treatment) but no matter what shape I'm in when I leave I immediately fall back to where I was when I admitted myself. This and the fact that I so desperately want to continue with my life/school stops me from trying again. I feel like I will live and die like this. And that saddens me.
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3 comments:
NOS,
Sorry to hear it went so bad with your Mom. Ihear your frustration and sadness. I used to put alot of pressure on myself in school, so I can relate.
You sound like you could use a hug.
((((NOS)))
Blessings,
Tammy
I look at your avatar and it always makes me sad. sad b/c of the caption underneath. "For who can ever learn to love a beast.? I remember when my dgt was 3 and I took her to see a two person play of beauty and the beast. When it was over she cried and said, Beauty loved him....Even beasts can be lovable.
Hey NoS, you won't live and die like this...You'll find your way out...stay strong ok....In your corner. Sarah
NOS Your depression sadden me,because I think you are a wonderful person. I too have suffered from depression most of my life and figure there are no quick fixes. Just remember you are cared about and loved.
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