I had my weekly appointment with Dr. S today. It was quick and dirty, and I told her that I no longer wanted to see her every week. I told her that I was just burned out from going to appointments all of the time, and she was accepting of that. I know I'm pushing away someone who cares about me, but I was just so angry with my life of having to go to appointment to appointment that I had to stop it.
I also had my appointment with Shrinkiepoo today, and I decided that I officially hate him (although this may be a side effect of the "I Hate Everything" stage). I told him that I can't do the TMS because I can't fit it into my schedule (it takes about an hour and a half each day), so his solution was to tell me to rearrange my life and quit my activities. I can't just rearrange my life-- I have two jobs and classwork to do. All he did was pressure me the entire time.
On the bus ride back from Shrinkiepoo's my sister A called me. We spoke for a while, and she said that if I wanted to do the TMS that I could take time off from uni. I immediately broke down into tears. I told her that I feel shitty about myself enough after having taken a year and a half off of school already, and that leaving school would have insurmountable effects on my self-esteem. I told her that I feel like the Red Queen from Through The Looking Glass:
"Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
I have to work twice as hard as the other students at my uni to get to zero. And I'm sick of it. I told A that Shrinkiepoo thinks I may die before the end of the semester and she started to cry. She said that all our family cares about is that I'm happy and healthy, but I fear that's the one thing they'll never get.
EN and I were supposed to talk tonight about how I am falling apart, but I think she has forgotten. Because I don't matter.
3 comments:
I've never commented on your blog, but I appreciate how real you are. I have bipolar and can get into the "I hate everything" thing as well. You do matter, even if you don't feel like it. It might be time to get a new shrink, though.
P.S. I love the reference to Alice.
NOS,
I am listening sweetie and sorry you are having such a bad day.
You do matter. (((NOS)))
It sounds like you are doing alot with two jobs, uni, and then all the appointments. When I was in school I only had one part time job and it was stressfull to me.
Blessings and safe hugs,
Tammy
(((((NOS)))))
Dear one here with you.
I appreciate you even coming to my blog and commenting with all that is going on with you. But, I do understand. You are important!
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